Regrettable

The other day I was listening to an interview with   a celebrity I won't name, and he said something I found very interesting. His identity isn't important, because I've heard the same thing from other famous people.

He was asked if he had any regrets at all in his life, and he replied he had none. He said that if he had it all to do over again, he wouldn't change anything.

Of course he wouldn't change anything. This is a guy whose face is known by everyone who has ever eaten popcorn and has more money than god. He started his life poor, but since then he's pretty much had anything he wanted, whenever he wanted it, during a long life of privilege and excess, and if he had to go back to the starting line and do it all over, he sure isn't going to screw with anything that might change the way things turned out.

I understand that part of it. Still, I couldn't help but think, come on, there isn't anything you would change? Nothing at all? There isn't one stupid, selfish thing you've ever done that makes you cringe when you think about it? Not a single mean or thoughtless act you'd like to reach back and erase from your personal history? Because taking a position like this sounds a lot to me like a guy claiming he never made a mistake. He may as well announce, "You know, after living my entire life, I can say with confidence that I really haven't learned a damn thing."

This is the kind of thing that gets me thinking about the afterlife. I don't really think there is one, but at a time like this I start hoping there is. Because even if this guy can't find anything he might want to change if he could, I'll bet the Afterlife Review Board can.

This is the second reason people want to believe in life after death. Obviously we like the thought that there's a nice place to go after all the suffering and stress of living is over, but we also hate to see people get away with things and it's comforting to believe that someone will eventually get what's coming to him. Of course, we don't need them to be really evil to wish for some kind of justice, it's reassuring to consider that someone who is just a little smug may get a good smack when it's their turn.

So I couldn't help but imagine this guy on another plane of existence facing a giant cosmic Life Examiner who has just reviewed with him a hit parade of his life's Most Ignoble Acts and is now asking him, "Did you really think this was OK, or did you just think we would let you get away with it because you became famous?"

I suppose I have to consider that this is all sour grapes on my part. Maybe this guy has lived an exemplary life and deserves everything he has and hasn't done anything he needs to apologize for and I'm just jealous because if I had it to do over again, I'd have to do everything differently. Even if I put aside for the moment all the self-serving and contemptible things I've done, all the things I'm ashamed of, an act alone which would require a crew of ten and a forklift, there aren't many things I've done or could have done in my life that I'm pretty sure I couldn't do better if I had another crack at them.

I know this may come as a great shock to you, but from time to time I actually imagine what I would change if I could go back and do it all over. I realize this is a radical departure from productive thinking, it's a good thing you've never done it, right? Anyway, I think I could do a much better job next time around, even if I weren't allowed to invest in Microsoft. It's kind of fun to think about, even if it's just a fantasy. The guy I've been talking about apparently doesn't do this, I guess he likes to recall his life just the way it really happened, which is easier for him because he has much of it on film and videotape.

copyright © 2002 Dan Manthos