Birthday Suit

At the very moment I am writing this, a woman I know is being attacked by lasers. This is what science has come to in the new millenium, the lasers science fiction had us believing would be used to annihilate fleets of interstellar warships are really more suitable for scanning the price of canned vegetables, playing CDs of Britney Spears, and cooking the unsightly facial hair follicles of contemporary women so they don't have to hide in the bathroom in the morning and yank them out with tweezers. (In an ironic twist, it will turn out that those fleets of interstellar warships will be repelled before reaching the surface of the Earth by the shield now forming in the atmosphere from the residue of a century's use of aerosol hairspray. We don't know yet if their intentions will in any way involve Britney Spears)

But I'm not really here to talk about lasers or teen-aged pop divas, this is really about human body hair. I know, it's not nearly as interesting, in fact, it can be downright disgusting, but it's in my brain and I have to let it out before it will let me get on to other topics.

Anyway, while I have to admit that the use of such an advanced and expensive technology for this superficial purpose seemed at first frivolous and narcissistic to me, I'd like to go on record as being generally in favor of the goal of not having hair on women's faces in places that are traditionally thought of as non hair-bearing areas.

The truth is, I'm not really in favor of the whole idea of body hair at all. It's great on heads, eyelashes and eyebrows, but I've never really been able to find any appeal in having it anyplace else.

I'm not alone in this, at least with respect to the idea of hair on women's bodies. Apparently both men and women alike generally seem to prefer the non-hairy style of women's skin surface, as women in many cultures have adopted the fashion. I guess when I think about laser hair removal in the context of an alternative to a lifetime of endless shaving, plucking, waxing, and whatever else women have to do to keep their entire bodies smooth, it doesn't seem so silly.

But I extend my hairiness prejudice to men's bodies as well, although I suppose most people don't feel this way. It seems like up to a point, guy hairiness is often viewed as a sign of virility, and is very popular even with women who are careful to avoid the appearance of the very same kind of hairs on their own bodies. In fact, the presence of a high proportion of hair-bearing to non-hair-bearing surface area is actually characteristic of the twentieth century's foremost icon of male appeal, Sean Connery. Of course, the twenty first century's foremost icon of male appeal doesn't have a single hair below his neck. I'm speaking of course, of Britney Spears. Wait! Sorry, wrong list, I meant Brad Pitt. And don't ask me how I know this, just take my word for it. In any case, I'm hoping it's a sign of a trend.

The problem for me is not the actual presence of the hairs themselves, it's the nature of the quantity and organization of the hairs. Human body hair is . . . pathetic. It's a weak, lame, miserable excuse for a skin covering. It's so totally pitiful we spend mega-zillions of dollars a year to fabricate artificial skin coverings to keep us alive because the ones we were born with can't keep us from freezing to death. What is a birthday suit, anyway? Nothing! OK, I'm fine with nothing! But it doesn't stay that way, does it? No, once the testosterone starts pumping, the little maverick bastards start creeping in all over the place and before you know it, we're covered with this thin, scraggly, useless crap that would look like a disease on any other mammal on Earth. Can you imagine what you'd think if your dog looked like this? You'd know he was sicker than a, uh . . . dog! We're an affront and an embarassment to primates everywhere. Compare the hairiest guy you know to a male silverback gorilla. There's some serious hair. That's the kind of body hair that can make a guy stand up and beat his chest!

I think it has to be one way or the other, if we're evolving away from body hair, fine, we may as well embrace our evolutionary destiny and get scientists to find a way to finish off the process and permanently (and economically) get rid of this sparse, humiliating vestige of a once proud natural coat. On the other hand, if we're going hairy, we may as well go all the way. No compromise! Skin or fur! One or the other, make up your mind!

If you think I'm joking, just wait a few years. I have every confidence that geneticists are eventually going to make this scenario a living viable alternative, along with just about any other genetic variation that until now has been the province of science fiction. There's no turning back, you may as well get used to the idea that the world of tomorrow will be populated largely by people who look like they stepped out of comic books.

I'll be heading for the hills. I hope the gorillas don't make fun of me.

copyright © 2002 Dan Manthos