part 5

I was teaching at a community college and generally happy with my life. I enjoyed teaching and had time to write on my own. I dated, but had not been lucky enough to find anyone to stay with more than a few months. I had not forgotten Adam, but I didn't think about him every day anymore. I knew there would always be something missing from my life, but there was still much to live for.

I had found a little frame house with a porch and lots of windows that I never could have afforded if it hadn’t needed extensive renovation. After two years I was finished with the biggest projects and it had reached the point where my friends' appreciation had reached open envy. It was a beautiful summer day and I had the front door open wide and was letting the breeze blow through the house while I did some major cleaning. I was standing in the kitchen surveying my conquest of the floor when the landline in the front hallway rang.

"Hello?"

"Hello Crys, it's Adam."

I had often dreamed over the years that he was alive and we were together. Now I felt as if I had suddenly been yanked into a parallel universe where everything lost was suddenly restored, but might suddenly dissolve and leave me all alone again.

As the shock went through my body I felt weak, simultaneously stunned, ecstatic, furious, desperate, confused.

With my back against the wall, I sank slowly to the floor, gripping the phone savagely as if it could hold me up. I began sobbing quietly but uncontrollably as I waited desperately to hear the sound of his voice again.

"Crys, I'm sorry to surprise you like this, I know it must be a shock, but I wanted to talk to you and I didn't know how else to do it. Crys?"

I didn't speak. He waited. I observed. As in a dream, this was happening to me, but I did not participate. To compose and vocalize would wake me from my fantasy and return me to the real world. I refused to break the spell. After a time, he began to speak again.

"Crys, I'm speaking from my cellphone. I'm parked outside your house right now. I see your door is open. I can understand if you're not willing to see me, if you don't want this, for any reason, just close your door and I'll go away."

I wanted to jump up and run to the door and out into the sunshine and down to his car and throw myself into his arms and annihilate five years of pain as if it had never happened, but it was all still a dream and I couldn't move.

In a moment he continued.

"OK, you haven't hung up and the door is still open but you haven't come to it, so I'll act under the assumption that you don't want me to leave. I'm going to walk to the door and then you can decide what you want to do with me. I'll keep talking as I come just so you know what I'm doing. You can stop me anytime if you want to, I’ll understand. I'm out of my car now and crossing the street . . . now I'm coming up your front sidewalk . . . past the maple tree . . . I'm coming up the steps . . . crossing the porch . . ."

When he saw me from the doorway, he stopped speaking. He stood for a moment and I didn't move. He stepped inside, slipped his phone into his pocket, and waited.

A flood of thoughts and emotions surged through me, so thick and fast that all detail and meaning was lost in a furious amalgam, but underneath it all was a single unambiguous yearning. Though nothing was real yet, in the dream all I wanted was to feel him next to me. I raised my arms and held them out to him and in a moment he was there on the floor next to me and I was holding him as tightly as he was holding me.

It was a long time before either of us felt the need to say anything. I was eloquent in tears.

Eventually I spoke and the dream didn't end, it was all real.

"Hello." I said.

"Hello." he replied gently.

There was no mention of love or longing or loss. There was no need.

"Now what?" I asked.

"I don't know," he started slowly, then paused. "I don't know if I've done the right thing by coming here, but I couldn't stay away another day."

"I'm glad you came." I was.

"I have a lot of explaining to do." He paused again.

"Hmmmm." I didn't care what he said, as long as he kept holding me.

"I suppose I should tell you about what happened that night."

"You mean how you didn't die?" I asked, dreamily, without opening my eyes. "And why you didn't tell me?"

"Yes. And why I didn't tell anyone. Maybe we should wait for that, there’s no need to dredge it all up yet.”

“I don’t know. I think I want to hear it now. I'm so much in shock I don't think it matters where you start, I may as well have everything all at once. Take your time. Tell me a long story. I don't want to say anything for awhile, I just want to listen to your voice."

We changed positions a little, settling there on the floor in the hall. It all seemed perfectly natural. He took a deep breath and began.

"First of all, I want you to know that what I did seemed to be the only thing to do at the time. I didn't plan the explosion, I just took advantage of it, and it looked like any contact with you afterwards might place you in jeopardy. I’ve been in hiding now for five years and if I could have thought of any other way, anything that would have spared you pain, I would have done it, but we had both drawn the attention of powerful and dangerous men, and any contact seemed like it only led back into the abyss. When I left the apartment, I had no idea how much was at stake, how huge and terrible the beast we had awakened, how cold and violent the men who had invaded our world. I just don't know how to begin to apologize for what has happened, I've spent years trying to find a way to tell you . . ."

I had only listened to these few words when my perspective on everything that had happened for the last five years suddenly began to shift. What I had been through was not just pointless suffering, there had been a purpose, it had been the necessary consequence of a strategy to save Adam in some way, and apparently to save me.

“You couldn’t tell anyone you were alive because it would put you in danger?”

“You too. Probably lots of other people.”

“Then there’s no need to apologize. Don't punish yourself for the results of the actions of other men. I know that whatever you’ve done was because you thought it was the right thing to do.”

“Even if it was, it was easier on me than it was on you.”

“Maybe, but what you’re telling me is that there’s more at stake here than just my feelings. For five years I’ve felt like nothing more than a victim, but you’re saying it all counted for something, it accomplished something, it wasn't just useless pain.”

“Crys, there’s no doubt. When I tell you about it you’ll understand. It’s about nasty people with large scale criminal intent.”

“And my suffering was necessary to protect us.”

“I don’t know if it was necessary, but I couldn’t see a way to avoid it. As a consequence of what I thought I had to do.”

As we spoke, I was putting a new face on all the events that followed the Klein Hall disaster.

“Adam, this changes everything. You’ve given me something I never in the world thought was possible, something in exchange for what I went through. It means my pain had value, that . . it was a sacrifice I might have chosen to make if I had had the chance . . that . . that some good came of it.”

He smiled and kissed my head.

"You're amazing." he said, “And what you said is true. Every day you thought I was dead was another day everyone thought I was dead. The price you paid probably helped us change history, or at least keep history from being changed.”

I settled in beside him and pulled his arm around me again. “Ok, I’m ready. Tell me what happened.”

He took another breath and continued.

“I’m not sure what I expected when I showed up at Klein that night, but they certainly expected me. Tad Jennings was at the door arguing with some guy in fatigues and a pistol who recognized me on sight and let me right in. Tad was giving me grief about it, but the guy just locked him out and escorted me directly to 488. There were ten or fifteen other guys milling around on the fourth floor, in fatigues or white coveralls or suits. Inside were six or eight more in white, but they had the look of muscle to me.

“I saw Chapman sitting at one of the tables with two guys in suits. They all stood up when I came in and Chapman looked more nervous than I’ve ever seen him. He started giving me some song and dance, you know, he’s really sorry about this, but I didn’t leave him much choice, blah, blah. He tells me he has connections in the Defense Department and he felt it was his duty to alert them to what I was doing. He keeps blowing hot air until the suit on his left says, ‘That’s enough Chapman,’ and he collapses in his chair like a puppet with the strings cut.”

As Adam spoke I felt the resurrection of emotions I had worked for years to put away. I felt a knot in my stomach and a tightness in my chest as every word he spoke placed another jigsaw piece into the unfinished puzzle of that dark and terrible night. I hung on each precious, painful one. He continued.

“This guy is obviously in charge and introduces himself as Roland Pike. He laid everything out, succinct and polite. He was sorry, but this was too important and valuable a project to be permitted to fall into the wrong hands. A university facility was not secure and in the interest of national security no activity of this significance could be permitted to exist unsupervised. A suitable research facility was to be assembled to my specifications with access to the finest equipment and support personnel available anywhere. I would, of course, have to recognize the need for absolute seclusion and secrecy.

“I asked them about you. Certainly I must understand that you would also be subject to quarantine. They called it quarantine. I asked him to explain the quarantine concept and the other suit spoke up. Anything we wanted within the limitations of the quarantine boundary. I wanted to know what those limits are, the exact dimensions of this gilded cage. They weren't exactly sure yet, the situation is unprecedented. Much will depend upon the degree of my cooperation.

“Then I ask, ‘What if I say no?’

“Pike laughs. 'Dr Janus, at this moment, as we speak, some idiot is killing another idiot over ten dollars worth of crack. All over the world idiots are killing other idiots over shit that wouldn't have mattered a rat's ass if they had just waited five minutes. If you raise the scale of this manner of human interaction to the level of international dynamics consider how many hundreds of millions of lives have been lost as a result of the ambition or indignation of a single idiot with the power to rattle a sword or a superstition and raise an army. Do you really think there is anything at all we will not do, any lengths we will not go to, any price we will not pay, or make others pay, in dollars or in blood, to ensure the exclusive control of a device with the potential to disseminate power throughout all time?'

“This hit me right between the eyes. ‘What the hell are you talking about?’

“’Dr Janus, your time machine, of course. I admit I was skeptical at first, but your reasoning persuaded Professor Osbourne, and he succeeded in convincing me your ideas are not merely revolutionary but also quite plausible. It may interest you to know that he was impressed to the point of astonishment. He went so far as to describe you as ‘a fucking genius.’

“’How the hell would he know?’

“’Ah, we took the liberty of examining the files on your computers. Your physics may be cutting edge but your encryption schemes are no match for professionals.’

“They hadn’t wasted any time. Pike went on.

“’In any case, I am a man of vision and imagination. I know that your present device is of no use, however I have every confidence it will lead to one that will permit myself and selected associates to visit the past in a manner calculated to be of substantial benefit to us in the present. I must admit I find the prospect intoxicating. The possibilities are astonishing in scope, the implications for global dissemination of power infinite, as I’m sure you are aware.’

“’What are you talking about?’ It was taking me a minute to get my head around what he was proposing.

“’As I said,’ he answered, ‘I am a man of vision. Let’s say my intent is to explore the absolute limits of my influence. It appears there may be none.’

“’You want to rule the fucking world?’

“He laughed out loud. ‘Very droll Mr Janus. But my aspirations are simply on a scale consistent with the power of the tool you have created to fulfill them.’

“My head was reeling from the scale of his ambition, but the only thing I could say was, ‘Let me ask you something. Why do you talk like some kind of cartoon villain?’

“This pissed him off. ‘Because I can, Dr Janus. Because I have enough intelligence and insight and skill. Because, in a world of disintegrating standards, I refuse to sink to the lowest common denominator. I am not an ordinary man, and you would do well neither to underestimate nor provoke me.’

"'Mr Pike?'" I asked.

“He looked at me without replying.

“’You're not really from the Defense Department, are you?'

"His former smugness returned as he laughed again. 'Dr Janus,' he said, 'it will be delightful working with you. However, I have some other details to see to just now. I will return shortly and we can begin to make arrangements for the transfer of your remarkable device to a more suitable location.’

“He started to leave the room, then stopped in the doorway and leaned against the jamb. “And Dr Janus, I know you are facing the sudden realization that you have become effectively, a prisoner. Consider it philosophically, if you will. We are all of us, to one degree or another, prisoners of something or someone. For most, the compensations are minuscule if they exist at all. For you, I intend that they occur on a scale conceivable only to the kings of antiquity. I assure you, once you have abandoned your sophomoric idealism and naiveté you will come to the realization that it's only fair you enjoy the fruits of your labors in a manner I alone can ensure will be proportional to the magnitude of your achievement. One day, perhaps soon, you will thank me.' He smiled and walked out.”

I interrupted. “He really thought he could buy you off that easily?” This was more of an observation than a question. “What a sociopath.”

Adam shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, the guy was waving mountains of gold and rubies and virgins in my face, how do you know I didn’t jump on board?”

I slapped him on the knee. “Because you have a moral compass.”

“Yeah, I hate it when that gets in the way of my thirst for world domination.”

“Not to mention mountains of virgins.”

“No kidding. Hm, maybe it’s not too late . . “

I slapped his knee again. “Trust me, it’s too late.”

“Thank God. A mountain is a lot of virgins. Sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen. See how amazing you are? I’ve only been here a few minutes and you’ve already saved me again.”

“Anytime. At least this one was painless.”

“Painless for you maybe, you didn’t have to give up a mountain of virgins.”

“Sure I did. Don’t think I couldn’t have a virgin anytime I want. Anyway, what was his plan?”

“His plan?”

“Yeah, this Pike guy. Didn’t he have some kind of plan for what he was going to do with the world once he conquered it?”

“Beats me. Never saw the prick again.”

“Really. So how do you know he was evil?”

“Well, I called him a villain and he didn’t object . . “

“No, I’m serious. I’m not suggesting he was a saint, but how do you know he wasn’t planning to make the world a better place?”

“A better place?”

“Sure. He obviously took great pains to strut his intelligence and sophistication, maybe he’s the kind of guy who’d want the world he dominated to be orderly and civilized.”

“Hmph. I never thought of that. I suppose a living god could see to it his subjects treated one another decently. Maybe his methods put me off.”

“I know, you can’t separate the ends from the means, it’s more likely he was going to wind up demanding human sacrifices, I was just curious. Sorry.”

“No, that’s ok, it could have been in important thing to know. I guess I didn’t think about it much because it didn’t matter, I couldn’t help him anyway.”

“Couldn’t? Or wouldn’t.”

“Couldn’t. Remember when I said it wouldn’t work the way you’d expect it to?"

"Ummhmm . . "

“I’m sure ol’ Roland had visions of jumping back and forth in time, conquering this, conquering that, shaping the past, then shooting ahead to observe the consequences or reap the benefits. If that were really possible, there’s no limit to what you could do. The more I think about it, the more the concept scares the hell out of me. No wonder Roland had such a hard-on for the whole thing.”

“You’re saying that’s not possible.”

“Right. A real time machine doesn’t work that way.”

“How does it work?”

“All in good time. Where was I?”

“You’re impossible.”

“Maybe. But I have a lot of story to tell.”

“Ah! Ok, we’ll do it your way. So one day soon you would worship Roland Pike . . ”

“Right, or we’d be pals or something, whatever. Anyway, Pike leaves and I don’t know what the hell to do. A little voice in my head says, ‘Just tell them it won’t work and they’ll let you go.’ This is clearly the voice of an idiot.”

“Ah, Dr Janus, I see we’ve made a terrible mistake. Sorry to trouble you. Do carry on.”

He laughed. “Exactly. Even I know that crap isn’t going to wash. This is deadly serious and I am only now coming to the full realization of what a Pandora’s box I’ve opened and how dangerous the situation has become. They have me by the throat and they’re not going to let go. And they’re not going to be happy when they find out they can’t do what they want. Then another little voice says, ‘Don’t show your hole cards. Anything you know that they don’t gives you something to bargain with.’ This voice knows what he’s talking about so I decide to keep my mouth shut for the time being.

"So, after Pike leaves, the other suit takes over. I never did get his name and he wasn't nearly as entertaining. He starts outlining some timetables for my incarceration when who should come in from the storeroom but Osbourne. He avoids making eye contact with me and says to the suit, 'It's ready’.

"It’s ready?” Now I'm pissed and scared at the same time. 'What the hell are you talking about?'

"'Listen Janus,' says the suit, 'You told your girlfriend not twenty hours ago that the thing on that table is a working time machine. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Maybe you were just making all that shit up to impress her. We need a demonstration.’

"I just stared at Osbourne.

"'Sorry Adam,' he says, 'They made me hook it up. I checked the schematics, you want to have a look?’

“’Fuck you,’ I wasn’t in any mood to play ball.

“’Listen, god dammit,’ he says, ‘this isn’t my doing.’ He indicated the others. ‘If you hadn’t been so fucking secretive, none of this would have happened. You act suspicious, you invite scrutiny. Figure it out, you brought this on yourself.’

"I turned to the suit, 'You’re insane.’

“’Why? Because we’ll all go boom?’

“’You said it.’

“’No, you said it, and we all wondered why.’ He was pretty smug. ‘Especially since there isn't anything on it anywhere that can explode. Isn't that right Professor?'

"'Nothing I can detect.’ Osbourne responded. ‘It could short and start a fire, but there's nothing that could detonate.'

“This is where things take a turn for the extra weird. Osbourne is lying through his teeth. He’s the guy I went to for help with the nuclear and it involved the very elements that make it dangerous, that’s why he got them to spy on me in the first place. Not only that, but he’s had a chance to look at the schematics and my notes, which describe exactly what would happen and why. I’m now at least two steps behind everything that’s going on and spinning my wheels while the suit goes on.

“’That was just your little dodge, because the machine doesn’t work, or can’t work, or won’t ever work, or maybe it isn’t a time machine at all. We’re going to find out.’

“Then Osbourne looks at me and says, ‘Where's your laptop?'

"This is interesting too. I don’t have a laptop. 'What are you talking about?'

"The suit says, 'What's so important about his laptop?'

"Osbourne tells him, 'He keeps the launch codes for the initiation sequence on his laptop. We'll need them for the demonstration.'

"By now I’m completely and totally lost. There are no launch codes, there is no initiation sequence. What the fuck is he up to?

"The suit looks at me and says, 'Where is it Janus?'

"All I can do is stare because I have no idea what to say.

“Then Osbourne chips in, 'It's not here, so it's in his car or his apartment. His apartment probably, he wouldn't leave it in his car, especially after dark. You might want him to get it right away so we can be ready when Mr Pike returns.'

"'I'll send someone for it.' the suit points to one of the goons.

"Osbourne shrugged his shoulders, 'I don't know, it sounds to me like an invitation to bring attention to what we're doing. If someone else tries to get if from his apartment, his girlfriend might make some kind of scene that could potentially direct attention here. I'm sure you can handle any unnecessary interest it could create, but it might be best if we conduct our test without interruption.'

"'And what do you suggest I do? I'm not going to give him the opportunity to do something stupid.'

"Osbourne looked at me and back at the suit. “Where’s he going to go?” He counted on his fingers and sneered with contempt. 'You have a team at his house, a tracking device in his vehicle, you’ve profiled him to the police as a dangerous federal fugitive, and you can watch half his trip from that window. I think he's smart enough to realize he needs to behave himself. But, if you don’t trust your own people or preparations it's up to you.' He looked at me intensely for just a moment, than added earnestly, ‘Adam, I know you don’t care what I think, but I’m going to tell you anyway. This has turned into a nightmare and there’s plenty of blame to go around, but for what it’s worth, iso-temporal dynamics theory is the most brilliant leap of intuition I’ve ever been privileged to witness. I’ve only skimmed the surface and this is obviously Nobel stuff. I know you know that, I just wanted you to know I know it.’ As he turned, Chapman got up to follow him but Osbourne pointed at him, ‘You . . stay the fuck away from me.’ Then he disappeared into the storeroom.”

“Nobel prize? That sounds like high praise to me.” I was certainly impressed.

“No kidding. I was pissed at him, but that statement meant a lot to me, even under the circumstances. Osbourne’s a sharp guy, that’s why I went to him for help.”

“What did he call it? Iso . . “

“Iso-temporal dynamics. That’s what I call my theory.”

“You never told me that.”

“I never told him either.”

“I see, he got it . . “

“Right.”

“Did they actually let you leave?”
“
Yeah, I still don’t understand why. I guess the idea he had me on an invisible leash appealed to Mr Second in Command. He nodded as he looked at me. ‘Think you’re that smart, smart guy? ‘Cause you’ll make me very happy if you’re not. You have fifteen minutes. Don’t get lost.’

"I just made for the door. As I walked down the hall I kept expecting someone to fall into step with me, but no one ever did. By the time I left the building there was nobody around. I got in my truck and just sat there. I could hardly believe the suit had been stupid enough to let me go without an escort, but it didn't matter, I had no freaking idea what to do. Osbourne had managed to get me out of the building and tip me off that my truck was bugged and I couldn’t go to the police. What for? What was he expecting me to do? Now that I was out of the lab I had the chance to act, but all I could think about was that I was trapped, and you were trapped, even Osbourne was trapped, he knew what was going on, there was no way they were going to let him walk away.

“What was he thinking, what was he trying to pull? Was he just trying to get me out the door hoping I could figure something out once I was free to move around? He did make the smart guy comment. Or did he have some plan, some strategy he was trying to lead me to that I just couldn't put together on my own?

“I could mount a one man attack on a van full of heavily armed professional killers, find the bug in my car, rescue you and ride off into the night, but that alternative sounded more like suicide for both of us. Maybe that was our only chance, but somehow it didn't make sense.

“I only had one idea and as much as I didn't like it, I kept coming back to it. There was one way to fix everything. I could go back in there, wait for Pike and then push that goddamn button. Then you would be safe, and by killing Pike and the other scum I would at least be ridding the world of a few blood sucking parasites.

“But as this alternative came more and more into focus, I began to realize how deep I was going to have to dig to find the courage to do it. I mean, I was having a seriously hard time adjusting to the grotesque proportions my life had suddenly assumed. A few hours before, I was just a maverick scientist with a cool project and now I was contemplating a kamikaze mission to commit the wholesale murder of two dozen people I didn't even know. By this time I was panting from the stress and trying to galvanize my resolve, and that’s when it happened.

“I was looking right at the building the whole time, watching one of their gorillas watch me back from the classroom window, when half the wing blew sky high. It was there . . and then it wasn't. Something smashed through my windshield and the concussion lifted the car right off the ground. After it stopped rocking it seemed like nothing moved for a few moments, then I could see people running all over the place and pieces of the university started falling out of the sky. But it was all very surreal because nothing made any sound, it was all happening in total silence and I only gradually realized it was because I couldn’t hear a thing. All I could think of was, holy shit, if I hadn't come out of the building I'd be dead right now, and that's when the answer came to me.

“I needed to die right then. If I was dead, there would be no one to look for, and no reason for anyone to harm you or anyone else. It was then I realized that Osbourne, the brilliant bastard, had planned and orchestrated and executed the whole thing. He had manipulated everyone including me into an arrangement that would let him clean everything up by pushing a single button. Now we were all safe, you and me, his family and yours, just as long as I had the good sense to stay dead. It was actually fairly easy. No one had seen me leave except people who had just been vaporized, so I locked the doors, put on my shades and my hat and took off."

He paused for a moment and I listened to the sound of the wind coming through the door as the significance of what he was saying settled into my head.

It was horrible to contemplate. A suicide mission to execute kidnappers. "You’re sure Dr Osbourne knew what he was doing? He did say he thought it wouldn’t explode.”

"There's no way to ever know for sure, but that's the model that fits the best. I mean, someone could have made a mistake, that idiot suit could have decided to test things for himself, but I don't think so. Everyone was waiting for the imaginary 'codes' and Osbourne was really the only one who knew how to turn it on and what the probable consequences would be. I think he found the courage I had been looking for, maybe to save us, maybe to keep things out of their hands. I don’t know, but I’d like to think it was an act of genuine heroism and I've spent five years being grateful that he had that kind of strength, because I don't know that I do."

"I know I’m being selfish but I'm glad it wasn't you.”

"Crys, it was my machine, not Osbourne's. It was my responsibility."

“But it was Dr Chapman who was responsible for putting everyone in jeopardy.”

"Well Pike is really the guy who needed to have his molecules dispersed. Chapman is responsible for bringing him into everything but I don't know that he deserved to die for it.”

"Neither did you, it's not your fault, you never intended to hurt anyone. I suppose innocent people die all the time for no reason, that's nothing new, but it's not everyday that someone dies the way Dr Osbourne did. I hope someday you get to tell everyone about him, and about your time machine."

"Maybe you should tell it, you're the writer."

"I don't see how I'll ever get the chance. Did you find out who Pike worked for?"

"Or pretended to work for, or was associated with, or whatever? Nah. I don't expect we'll ever know."

I nodded. "Can you tell me now what made your time machine explode?"

"Yes I can, and it’s about time, eh?”

I ignored this so he just smiled and continued.

“I just started off on the wrong foot. My thinking was shaped by all the science fiction I read as a kid, starting with HG Wells. I tried to make a device that would displace an object, and eventually a human, along the time continuum at faster or slower than its normal rate, so it would end up in a different place than it started."

"And you can't do that?"

"Yes, you can, Osbourne proved that quite convincingly. The problem is, the consequence of being able to do it is that things blow up. Here's the problem, it's very simple. Think of that little ball in the chamber. It was there a second ago wasn't it? So if you try to make it go back one second, it was already there and two things can't occupy the same space at the same time, things get crowded and go boom. Now, you may say, send it ahead to a time when it isn't there yet, but to move it along the continuum, you have to move it into where it's going to be, and since it's going to be there, it's already there in a sense. So as soon as you begin to displace it into itself, boom."

"What do you mean it's already there 'in a sense'? It's not there until you put it there."

"Well, that's true, but you already put it there. I mean, you will already have put it there, so it's there."

"That's the single most incomprehensible thing I've ever heard you say."

He laughed. "OK, it's like this. Past and future mean nothing to the cosmos. They already exist, not just 'in a sense', but in actuality, all together in simultaneity. Maybe that's not the way to say it, simultaneous is kind of right and kind of wrong, but either way it might be misleading. Think of it like this, our lives are like movies. We're watching the story unfold but the ending has already been filmed even though we haven't seen it yet. The fact that we experience our lives as a sequence, moment by moment, seeing the present and remembering the past, is an illusion. Well, not really an illusion, but it's an incomplete picture of things, a limitation imposed by the manner in which our consciousness organizes perception. So that little ball is already there on both sides of itself, continuous in time and the instant you try to move it in either direction it gets displaced into itself and atomic forces blow it apart."

I was shaking my head before he was finished, "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait just one damn minute. Go back to the part where the past and the future already exist. You're saying my life is already over, I've already lived it and just don't know it yet?"

"Hmm. Kind of. Don't worry about it. How about we leave off our discussion of fate for another time, I think we have enough to deal with for the moment. Until then, just consider you still have all the free will you need, to make the decisions you will have made. Or maybe I should say have will made. Or would it be have will make?"

"Have will make? I like the part where you suggested we save this part for later."

He had given me a lot to think about but as I looked at him suddenly all I could see was that Adam was alive and sitting next to me like nothing had ever happened. Once again I knew my life would never be the same. I pulled him closer. "I missed you so much," I said. Then he held me as I cried again, and told me softly all the things I needed so badly to hear.